Journal Entry #1
10th January, 2019
Fortnight at a Glance
The last two weeks have been
very fulfilling. After a very long break, I am finally back to working on my
current project. It has been almost two years without writing and not much reading.
It’s not that I did nothing, it’s that I went from writing every day to writing
something maybe once or twice a month. My project was in the final stages of
editing and yet I couldn’t bring myself to work on it and I’d never felt less
like a writer because I simply didn’t want to do it. I worried my
passion had died.
In the last two weeks, however,
I got back to it. I’ve been writing/editing every day and, best of all, I am enjoying
it again.
I read so many blogs and articles
about getting back after a hiatus, all with good advice, but I was so disheartened
about writing that I couldn’t even summon the energy to do the steps to get back
at it. Very similar to my reading habits.
It took a bit of pushing on my
end, easily becoming overwhelmed and disheartened. I first looked at my project
from afar, writing out chapter by chapter with short notes to make sure it
would look the way I wanted it to look. Halfway through this, I felt like it
wasn’t working, and gave up. For a while, I didn’t know where to begin. I knew
what had to change, I just didn’t have the energy or motivation to do it.
I didn’t want to do it.
Despite wondering if it would
actually clear my thoughts or make them more clouded, I went back to my chapter
by chapter outline and went all the way to the end of the book.
I then took it little by little
and started making changes as I went. I realised that during my break, the less
I thought about the story, the further I got from it, and the less I liked it,
and then the harder it seemed to tackle. When I got back to it, started
reading, started editing, I remembered my focus in the story, and it came a
little easier.
It’s still easy to begin to feel
overwhelmed again. When I do get overwhelmed, or frustrated with certain
aspects, I find I don’t want to keep working. I want to give up when I think of
how much work there is to go. I’ve had to consciously remind myself to
focus on the small job in front of me.
I also realised I was putting off
writing again because of my first chapter. I had decided I didn’t really like
my first chapter and wanted to change it, or add something, but I couldn’t
settle on how. Nothing felt right for my novel, so I continued to put off
doing any work because I couldn’t find a beginning I was happy with.
So I skipped what was bothering
me, and went to chapter 2. Funnily enough, I realised the story could easily begin
in chapter 2. If I added bits here and there in later chapters, the reader wouldn’t miss
out on what chapter 1 had to offer, and they’d be more engaged by the beginning
of chapter 2.
What sticks out most for me this
fortnight, is old habits coming back, and some I used to condemn. When I was a
teenager, I used to write in front of the TV. I carried this habit for many
years. Finally, I discovered how much more work I was doing in a quiet
place with nothing but music in the background. These last two weeks, I’ve let
myself work in front of the TV. For the first and foremost reason, I have struggled
to find joy in writing over the last 2 years and figured, even if it’s not my
most productive work, I should also just do what I enjoy. It’s not for
everyone, but I like having something mindless in the background while I write.
I put on The Simpsons or some other cartoon and I block it out in fits of
writing. Then, when I come to a natural stopping point or pause, instead of
picking up my phone and getting caught in a never-ending scrolling battle, I
watch the TV for a minute or sometimes only a couple of seconds, and get back
to my laptop. It’s not perfect, or productive, or probably healthy for the
creative mind, but I surprised myself in how much work I was able to do while
still doing something else I enjoyed. When it’s a struggle to get back to
writing or get this one project finally finished, I figure its best to
do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable and want to sit down with
the laptop. Just do what you want to make the words do the word thing.
Accomplishments
I’ve worked on setting small
goals for myself, which are motivating me. I promise myself only 10 minutes of
writing a day, which is very small. However, when I go to get in bed and realise
I’ve not done anything for the day, convincing myself to write for 10
minutes is easy and, of course, once I begin, I never only write for 10. I have
often done at least 30 minutes but gone as far as 3 hours, but on the days I’ve
been busy or really unmotivated, I feel perfectly okay to stop at 13
minutes.
Another reason for a personal
celebration, is due to the time away, the distance, I finally had it in me to ‘kill
my darlings’ and willingly got rid of scenes I’ve had since the very first
draft that really didn’t fit in or suit the tone. I’d been holding onto
them because of how long they’d been there, or how much I enjoyed writing them
in the first place. Now they’re gone, and my project is better for it.
I am now 13 chapters into my
the project, and still doing a bit every day.
Obstacles
Mostly, I am very happy with how
my goals and writing went these few weeks. I found the only obstacle was my getting
sucked into playing Kingdom Hearts and doing nothing else for three days.
During this time, I started to worry that I was going to find it hard to go
back to writing again. I felt guilty.
I took a break from the game
and wrote, and I still wanted to write. Once I introduced my 10 minutes a day,
I got a little bit of writing done no matter what else I was doing. I’ve
decided to stop guilting myself about doing other things I enjoy. I won’t make
myself feel bad about not putting writing first all the time. It doesn’t help
me write.
Reading
I’m reading nearly every day again,
although, not enough. I’ve been getting through a couple of chapters each day.
I’d like to read more, but I’m not going to worry too much for now, when I’m
just happy to be reading and excited about reading again. For new year’s, I set
myself a new GoodReads goal (something I haven’t stuck to for 2 years). I also
selected four books to complete for the month (including my audiobook).
I’ve been reading Call the
Hawk Down, which I won’t say too much about, but the Raven Cycle was one of
my all-time favourite series and going back to Ronan Lynch and Adam Parrish
feels like returning to an old dream.
Inspiration
I saw a lot of things that inspired
me this fortnight. I watched famous movies I’d never seen before – A
Beautiful Mind, Fatal Attraction, Monster, Needful Things.
Small things struck an
inspirational match – characters, relationship dynamics, creepy shops,
desperation, the way humans think and treat others.
My most inspirational moment,
however, came from seemingly nowhere. I began brainstorming, and from one idea
came another and another.
Looking Forward
In the next few weeks, I hope to
be closer to the end of my project than the beginning, or even the middle. I
don’t wish to make any promises to myself and be disappointed, especially as I
know the second half of the project needs the most work. I do, however, hope the
plot restructure is done by January and final edits can be done after.
I’m also intensely looking
forward to the release of Underwater. I will see it with my best friend
and love it even if it’s bad because anything deep water-related is for me. Plus,
Kristen Stewart.
I also hope to find a short story
idea I’d be excited to write, to release on my blog.
We’ll see.
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